Real World Dictionary
Comments from the author:
I have long felt that there is a need for a real world dictionary to assist all those new arrivals in Brittany. This is my attempt to provide it. It is in no particular order and just details my observations on the Enlgish in Brittany. Feel free to complain (or to sue me for Libel - if I get it too right!)
On Discute - 03/04/07
To the French, On Discute means "we discuss". To the English, it means something else, altogether. To find out what I mean, read on...
When the French get together, they talk about 3 things...
1). The weather - this is vital. It governs our lives. We discuss the rainfall or the temperature. We all agree that the Ouest-France (the local newspaper) always gets it wrong!
2). We talk about food! We tell each other about the bargains we got in the market on Saturday. We talk about the Three for the price of Two deals we have got at Super-U - this is also vital!
3). We talk about each other - and especially.. "Les Anglais". Once again, this is vital. This can take, at least, an hour!
To the English - our conversations are different! We also talk about the weather. We complain that it rains too much. We complain that the weather in Tennerife was better. We complain that the rain in the U.K. tasted better!
We also talk about food. We tell each other that "you can't buy Malted Milk biscuits, over here!" We complain about that, a lot!
We also talk about each other - we all agree, the English over here are rather strange!
Démémagement - 27/03/07
To the French, Démémagement just means moving. By law, we get three days off work to allow us to move. For those of us who work for big companies, out Commite d'Enterprise will sort out an interest free loan to help us do it. For the English, it is far more difficult. Thus, I have prepared a little check list of my 10 top tips for any English who want to come over here....
1). Buy over the internet. There really is no need to come over here and test the waters first. Whatever you find on the internet is bound to be fine. It might be a little bit near to that pig farm but, the smell will make it all the more rustic, won't it?
2). Pack up all your kit and bring it over here. Your IKEA furinture will go down lovely in your (soon to be restored) Longére. And, anyway, the 3 months (for that, read 3 years) that it is stuck in that damp barn will weather that chipboard something lovely.
3). Keep your English car. The gendarmes will not understand that, if your car is not taxed and MOT'd, your insurance will be worthless. What a money saver for you!
4). Do a bit of work for your English friends for cash in hand. Your English friends will appreciate it so much. Notwithstanding that they will be at risk of re-paying all your charges, then paying for that conservatory, that you have built for them, to be pulled down - your only problem will be getting escorted to the ferry and being kicked out of the country.
5). You don't really need to learn French. There are so many English over here (about 1% of the population) that you can get by without any French - anyway, all the French speak English really, don't they? They'll certainly understand you if you shout loud enough!
6). Don't bother to try and eat the local muck. You'll do fine with Heinz Baked Beans, Malted Milk Biscuits and Nescafe. Only the locals eat local food - and you wouldn't want to end like them, would you?
7). Don't mix with the locals - you'll only regret it! The locals aren't interested in Eastenders, Coronation Street or Emmerdale Farm - so, why bother to mix with them?
8). Come over with a half-baked business plan. I'm sure that you'll find work, working for the other English over here (just like all the other English over here) - I'm sure it'll work out... After all what we really need here is another White Van, full of Gardening Equipment, manned by a couple who want to make a name for themselves in the Gite Maintenance business - we really haven't got enough of those, over here!
9). Mix with the English. They'll be able to help you when you get into trouble. They'll be sure to bale you out. And Santa Claus really exists, as well! Seriously, you should only stick with your own - the French aren't normal, and they certainly don't understand about Malted Milk biscuits.
10). Actually, I can't think of a 10th one. If the first 9 didn't put you off (too much), come over anyway, try to integrate (I know it will be difficult), try to fit in - have a good time and forget all of those who don't quite manage to do so - Welcome to Brittany!
Fossé - 27/03/07
To the French, a Fossé is a ditch beside the road. It is very deep. It drains the fields without the need for the sort of plumbing that people in England endure. The French just don't understand why it is necessary to dig up the road every five minutes, just to repair all the leaks.
To the English, a Fossé is a place to park your car on the way home from one of those English only barbeques that we like so much. We then complain about the awful camber in the roads over here, hoping that no-one will mention the 3 bottles of "Celliers des Dauphins" that we have just consumed!
Rayon des Vins - 27/03/07
I apologise to any of my Brittany Friends at www.Brittany-Friends.com as they have heard this little diatribe before.
The Rayon des Vins is the wine aisle in a supermarket. There are two methods to buying wine in France; the French method and La Methode Anglais.
The French Method - You fill up your trolley with the same wines you always buy. For most of my neighbours, these consist of the wines that come in bottles with plastic caps rather than corks. They might buy a petit bordeaux that will cost them just under 3 euros or, if they are posh, that petit bordeaux might cost them nearer 4 euros.
Once a week - usually Saturday - they will buy some decent wine for their Sunday Dinner. That will often be Champagne or a good Alsace - perhaps a Cotes de Beaune, even. They will pay a lot of money for these wines. Once a year, at the socially acceptable wine buying time (normally September), they will stock up for the year ahead.
The French are known to stop buying wine whenever the opportunity arises - genereally when they meet a neighbour or friend. Then, oblivious to all the English who are stocking up on plonk, they will totally block the aisle and just... chat!
The English Method - Bert and Edna are desperately trying to fit in. They have taken up drinking wine. Unknown to Enda, that's why Bert wanted to move to Brittany in the first place. Unknown to Bert, Edna feels the same way.
Bert and Edna spend their time in the Wine Aisle comparing prices - Bert's telling Edna that this wine is only 3 euros a bottle. Edna says "What's that in pounds?"
Edna then asks.. "This one's only 2 euros - what would that cost back home?"
And on they go, comparing prices and converting those euros in to pounds. This takes 1 hour!
Finally they fill up their trolley with 10 cases of "Celliers des Dauphins". Now, I know that's a reasonable Cotes de Rhone and you're never going to get a bad bottle but, why the effort? Why not try something new?
By the way, they've also bought a four pack of Calvert (four bottles for 4 euros) - They are going to lay it down to mature, in their cellar. Their cellar is a wine rack that they will never fill - it's installed in their kitchen (the worst place to store wine). They do this just so that it is on view and they can tell their friends and visitors, that they've discovered a great little local wine - might just be worth laying down for a while!
Bert and Edna never buy any Pastis. Enda's not liked it ever since that Easter holiday at Southend in 1968 when she had one too many Pernod and Black's in the Duke's Arms and was sick all over the pavement, on the way home. She and Bert were a lot younger in those days (and Bert was a lot friskier) - Enda still isn't too sure whether it was the pernod or Bert's friskiness that made her sick. In any case, she's never drunk any Aniseed flavoured drinks since. By the way, Bert and Edna are also childless!
Thus, Bert and Edna don't have a bottle of Ricard in their house. Thus, Bert and Edna will never fit in!
Vide Grenier - 26/03/07
A Vide Grenier is a kind of Car Boot Sale. It differs from an English Car Boot Sale in that every village, or town, is only allowed one, a year. If you are a seller, you are only allowed to sell at two of them, each year (your details are taken).
It also differs from an English Car Boot Sale in that the locals don't go there to snap up any bargains. They go there to meet their neighbours and to have a chat. They turn up late (frequently after lunch, when entry is free) and don't seem to be in any sort of hurry.
This differentiates them from the English. The English turn up at the crack of dawn and rush round trying to snap up all those bargains The English get very upset when their progress is hindered by all the French standing in the aisles, having a chat!
You can instantly tell the English at a Vide-Grenier. They are the ones dragging bits of Agricultural Equipment back to their 4-Wheel Drives. The French, on the other hand, are blocking the aisles and laughing about the mad Englishman who paid 400 euros for a bit of Agricultural Tat that Great Uncle Piere had hanging about in his barn until the English decided to come over and pay silly prices for it!
The English sellers at a Vide-Grenier are selling the rustic tat that they bought at a Vice-Grenier, two years ago, just to make their restored longeres seem more rustic (or to make them more French). The French, on the other hand, are selling the sort of rustic tat that the English will buy.
At a Vide Grenier, the refreshments stall (surely the most important stall of all), is always located in the most inconvient place (preferably, right by the entrance) - so that the ensuing crowds of French hinder the progress of the tat-hunting English to the maximum effect.
At a Vide Grenier, the people, taking the entrance fee, will say hello and have a chat to every French person that turns up. They will be oblivious to the English, a bit further down in the queue, hopping around in frustration, as all those bargain bits of tat, get snapped up.
The English do stop (briefly) to have a chat. But only with other English - they talk about their Fosse Septiques.
A few words of advice to any English who are planning to visit a Vide Grenier....
1). Have a big breakfast, first - you won't have time to have a sandwich and a glass of cider at the refreshments stall - only the French do that!
2). Bring lots of large plastic bags (for the tat, you are going to buy) and work out a rota so that one person can relay the full bags back to the car whilst another carries on tat-hunting.
3). Hitch a trailer to the back of your four wheel drive and carry on tat-hunting until it is full up.
4). Finally, that antique, wooden wheelbarrow that you have just paid 400 euros for - isn't an antique! Emile, down the lane, makes them out of old pallets (he's really got that weathering and aging down to a fine art, hasn't he?), just for the English to buy. And yes, those French (eating their sandwiches, drinking their cider and generally blocking the entrance) - yes, they are all laughing at you.
