Thursday - 14th August - 2008 - Some more of Glenn's jokes! The Religous ones!
Before there were copyright laws, there were book curses:
For him that stealeth, or borroweth and returneth not, this book from its owner, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain crying out for mercy, & let there be no surcease to his agony till he sing in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw his entrails... When at last he goeth to his final punishment, let the flames of Hell consume him forever.
That's from a volume in the monastery of San Pedro in Barcelona, but similar curses were used widely throughout the medieval period.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?", he asks. "Or are you just gonna piss around?"
Thursday - 14th August - 2008 - More Jokes From Glenn!
The Bottle of Wine For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said.... "Good trade....."
Venus and Mars I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart....
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her...
Words of Wisdom from a Father to a Son "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother... I didn't pull out in time..."
The Internet To Be Closed for Essential Maintenance - submitted by Mark
The Internet will be closed throughout January and February to allow for "essential maintenance work" to be carried out, the Information Super-Highways Agency announced today.
Between now and the new year only limited traffic will be permitted during off-peak hours; and the World Wide Web will be restricted to sites based in the East Anglian region only.
Customers have been asked to make alternative arrangements although in some regions a special replacement information service will be provided on Ceefax and Teletext, with the wait for the next page being reduced to just seven and a half minutes.
The government denied that the Internet closure was an embarrassment after they had promised that their controversial superhighway sell-off would result in a more efficient and reliable service. A full and detailed explanation of the reasons behind the decision to close the Internet will be posted on the Department's website on January 1st.
It is thought that this set back will not affect the government's decision to allow Railtrack to take over the running of Britain's ley-lines.
The Loving Husband After years of being nagged, a man finally gave in and decided to take his wife on a "once in a lifetime" holiday to Jerusalem. Whilst they were there, the wife choked on her pitta bread and died. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150. The man thought about it for a minute and then told the undertaker that he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you pay $5,000 to have your wife shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and would only cost you $150?"
The man said, "A long time ago a man died here, was buried here and then, three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Stress Management Technique Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is, it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the Politician you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
Tescos Supermarket Scam A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular TESCOS customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously hot, good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another TESCOS or ASDAS. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Old Time Computing
When...
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..... you just hoped nobody ever found out!!!
Just a naughty joke!
And another one!
And finally, my favourite!
