Naughty Knickers in Redon
Thank God it only happens once a year - that's all I can say!
The Girlie decided to have a birthday and, to keep things simple for me (as I am a simple man), she had it on the same day that she had her birthday on last year.
Now, that was nice of her, wasn't it?
So, I was despatched to Redon to buy a surprise birthday present for the Girlie, with strict and detailed instructions on exactly what sort of "surprise present" would be acceptable (even down to the relevant sizes!)
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Now, I have been spending a bit of time in Redon recently.
As there isn't much going on in IT Support, I thought it might be best to try and find some temporary work.
So, I've been doing the rounds of the local job agencies.
There isn't much available and anyway, I was made redundant from Helga's House of Pain for medical reasons - that kind of makes it difficult for me to be taken seriously as a job-seeker.
Still, I had to try.
One of the things I've noticed, sat outside my favourite bar in Redon, is that someone had obviously been on the Pastis the night before when he put up some of the old buildings around here.
Or perhaps the slight slantiness was all planned?
I still think that les Freres Ricard were involved somewhere down the line!
So, getting back to the Girlie's pressies... The flowers were easy enough and the Girlies's little hint that I should ask the nice ladies at the jewellery counter at InterMarché for advice worked out just fine (they really are very nice ladies and they actually understand what it is that girlies like and, more importantly, what they don't like!)
I even remembered to get some wrapping paper - although I think it is a crime on a par of forcing newly born babies to smoke non-filtered cigarettes to waste good money on something that will only be ripped off and scrunched into a ball the very next day - And, have you seen how expensive wrapping paper is? I wonder how many trees had to die for that bit of frippery? And, how do you wrap up things that aren't rectangular? And, once again, why is it so expensive - someone really ought to bring out re-useable wrapping paper - that would be nice and green, nice and eco-friendly - you could charge a fortune for that!
Right, little rant over. Sorry for that. As you might have guessed, wrapping paper AND THE STUPID HORRENDOUS PRICE OF IT is one of those things that slightly gets my goat. Good thing birthdays only come once a year (and then only if you're reminded about them!)
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Anyway, I'd got all the little surprise pressies that had been hinted at - all but one, that is... The Naughty Knickers and matching Bra.
Now, I will freely admit that I am the world's worstest lingerie purchaser!
I take a deep breath, pull myself together and walk into the shop.
I then proceed to tell the stunned sales assistant that although I'm pretending to buy this for the wife/girlfriend, it is actually my intention to wear it myself in the privacy of my own home and, more disturbingly, am planning, on my birthday, to waltz around town wearing nothing but the aforementioned lingerie before sexually molesting a traumatised police dog!
Well, actually I don't do this because..... I can't actually bring myself to enter the shop in the first place!
I imagine that the residents of Redon are all heaving a sigh of relief (not to mention the poor police dogs!)
Even if I could manage to enter the shop, as soon as the pretty shop assistant approached I would be totally unable to sat a word and would stumble out, no doubt knocking down a display unit, or two, in the process, in red-faced embarrassment!
And why, I have to ask, are the sale assistants in those shops so attractive? It doesn't make it any easier for us poor men, you know!
Perhaps someone should invent a Naughty Knickers shop where all the staff have to undergo a surgical procedure to make them as ugly as sin? Just a thought!
Yes, you see, I'm the guy who blushes when he accidently wanders down the underwear isle at the local supermarket! It's a medical thing; I am taking medication for it - the doctors are full of hope!
So, it did look like the Girlie might have to forgo that surprise pressie.
I did try though, I went to the shop that she suggested might be good for a little surprise pressie, took one look at the prices of the few scraps of silk they were displaying in the windows and then, a few minutes later, came to, lying on the floor, being offered smelling salts by that all too attractive sales assistant in the Naughty Knickers shop.
The sales assistant seemed well practiced so I can assume I'm not the only one to be so shocked by the prices - I mean, how can they justify charging so much for so little (especially when the whole idea is to remove it all as soon as politely possible?)
I think that the Naughty Knicker manufacturers are taking a leaf out of the Wrapping Paper manufacturers handbook - or are the two in cohorts together? A new conspiracy theory for me to investigate?
Eventually, after after a lot of false starts, I did manage to do the dirty deed (thanks to the lovely sales assistant who hid her beauty on the inside!) and the Girlie's birthday was complete. By the way, I am planning on a temporary, but definitive, change of religion before Christmas comes up!
I was going to say that perhaps someone should invent a lingerie selling machine but.... it appears that someone already has!
And before I sign off, a little word about signing on. I've just successfully inscribed to Pole-Emploi which means that, for the next two years, I'll be getting unemployment benefit. This works out to be only slightly less than what I used to get when I was chucking around all those little bits of dead pig all day long at Helga's House of Pain!
Of course, I'll have to deduct 80% of any money I get from Web Design but, I can live with that - what a great country France is!
So, got to dash. I've got plenty to do today - another new website to do and a server to build.
All the best
P.S. Spurs drew with Aston Villa last Saturday. That was quite handy as our friends Rosalyn and Paul came round for dinner. Paul is a massive Aston Villa fan - I'm pretty sure that he would only be happy being buried at Villa Park. I've even got a feeling that he wanted to be conceived there, as well!
Then again, perhaps he was!
P.P.S. Obviously Spurs lost to Man U. in the Carling Cup. No! Don't all start tearing your hair out - don't contemplate jumping off that bridge. This is actually Good News for us! How so? Well, it allows us to concentrate on the Premier League where we are now 3rd from top. Well, that's my excuse, anyway! And I'm sticking to it!
P.P.P.S. I'm not going to say a word about our 9-1 trashing of Wigan a couple of weeks ago - partly because I'm so stunned I'm still not sure it's actually true!
P.P.P.P.S. I notice that the smelly Arsenal lost to Man City in the Carling Cup which, to my addled mind, is proof positive of both the existance of God and... that God is a Spurs fan (let's face it, watching us lot mess up the world can't be all that different to watching Spurs miss an open goal, or lose 6-1 after being 1-0 up at half time - as we are wont to do!)
